April 16 2020. It’s bright outside at 6am, I’ve woken up without an alarm and I know today is the day my life changes forever and I lose my biggest supporter, closest ally, best friend, but most of all my amazing mother. How I know it’s today I don’t understand but it’s lockdown and I’m staying at my parent’s house as my mother is terminally ill with cancer. I hobble to go and see her in the room next door after suffering 2 consecutive ruptured achilles tendons and as I get closer I hear what is known as the death rattle.
12:08pm time of death. I have told my mum a million times how much I love her, how much I’ll miss her and simply thank you as I know that hearing is the last thing to go before you pass away. I’m aware of this because when I was 19 and at university I contracted meningitis. In 48 hours I went from playing football to being in a hospital bed unable to speak or move eventually becoming so weak that the last thing I recall is losing all my senses except hearing. The doctor is stood somewhere near the foot of the bed and I can hear my parents voices full of worry. The doctor says to them ‘it’s 50/50” I wake up 2 weeks later confused, scared but greeted with the familiar faces of my parents stressed but relieved.
Why am I writing about these experiences? For me these experiences completely reshaped and altered my life. At 19 I didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do and after recovering began to question everything. I always knew from a strangely young age I had to make my life purposeful. I knew I was here to do something positive, to help others and for the greater good.
At 34, everything changed once again except this time I could feel every single bit of pain imaginable. 3 years and 7 months later, I still do on some days, other days it’s a numbness and longing. The one person I was scared to lose above everyone in my life is no longer here as I knew her to be. There is a part of me that feels fearless and there is a part of me that realises my mum taught me everything except how to live without her. My life that day as I had always known it changed drastically, a large part of me was gone too.
I’m proud to say that I have recently started a counselling course and the enthusiasm towards it and the effect I hope to have on others excites me. I have struggled with anxiety and depression from a young age, highly empathetic and always looking out for others. I believe the anxiety stems from being young and having this feeling about the importance of fulfilment and purpose. I have come to realise over the years that if I can be vulnerable and open about my own experiences and what I have gone through, it helps others to confide in me and gives them the confidence to be open, and in turn find comfort.
Whilst all our relationships and experiences differ, we will all suffer hardship and feel a range of emotions which is perfectly ok, normal and a part of the human experience. The importance of talking and not internalising stress, grief and other emotions is essential, sadly I have seen loved ones try and ignore this at a detriment to their own mental and physical well-being.
If I can help one person never feel as low as I have done or can lift them up from a place of darkness and sadness, I have finally found my purpose.
